Cultivating the Fire of Your Marriage

Good morning, Watermark. How are we doing today? It's great to see you. Happy Father's Day. I hope all is well. If this is your first time ever with us on a Sunday, I hope this place feels like home very quickly, and may it be a place where you can take either your first or your next step with Jesus.

I want us to start our time, like we always do, by praying, but I want us to pray for a few more things today. I do want to pray for the fathers in the room. I want to pray for what's going on in the Middle East right now, and then I want us to pray that God would prepare our hearts to hear from him. So, let me ask you to do this. If you came with someone who is a father, would you put a hand on them? Make sure you came with them, but just put a hand on them. Let's pray.

Lord, I thank you for the fathers in this room, and I pray, God, that in this moment, even, they would sense you as their heavenly Father and the delight you have in them as your children. I pray that today they would sense an overwhelming amount of your grace. In all of the successes and failures of fatherhood, I pray that, right now, they would sense your love and your delight in them. I pray for these men, that you would use them, you would strengthen them, that today they would be your men who love their children well, however old they are.

Lord, I pray for those in the room for whom Father's Day is not a joyful day. It might be a mixture of emotions. It might be tough thinking about a father who has passed away or a father where there has been a strained relationship. For those people, I just pray your peace and your grace for them. For those who long to be a father and haven't had that opportunity yet, I pray, God, for your patience for them and your nearness.

Lord, we just pray for what's happening in the Middle East right now, as we see everything happening in the news. Lord, I just express on behalf of your people that we long for the day that there is peace in your land. God, I pray against further escalation between Israel and Iran. Lord, I pray for the hostages who haven't been returned. I pray for all those living in devastation in Gaza.

I pray right now in this moment, God, for your church in Iran, which is flourishing. I pray for your church in Israel. I pray for your church in Gaza. I pray that this would be a moment where believers in those churches would feel empowered by your Holy Spirit, that you would use them to meet people's physical and spiritual needs.

We pray that in this moment, where there is deep unrest and great amounts of pain, restlessness, and anxiety, that it would be in these moments that your gospel is revealed in very clear and supernatural ways. I want to pray for the salvation of Jews. I want to pray for the salvation of Palestinians. I want to pray for the salvation of Iranians. I pray that this would be a day of salvation in the Middle East. More than anything, we need your rule, King Jesus, so we ask you for it.

Now, friends, as we turn our hearts and our attention to studying God's Word, would you ask God to speak to you this morning? Would you just pray those words? Say, "God, would you speak to me today?" Then, would you pray for the people around you and ask God to speak to them? Then, would you pray for me and ask God to speak through me to you?

Lord, it's a joy and a privilege to gather together as brothers and sisters in Christ. We just acknowledge that one of your greatest kindnesses to us through the person of Christ was that Jesus didn't just save us from sin, but he saved us into a family that we can gather with and worship you. So, Lord, use this time. Would you speak to our hearts? We love you. We give this time to you. In Jesus' name, amen.

For the last two weeks, we've been talking about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. We're going to talk about marriage one more time today. Just so you know where we're going, next Sunday will be a message on singleness, and then the Sunday after that is going to be a message on pornography. So, we're just hitting all the light stuff in the month of June. Some of y'all are like, "We weren't planning to go on vacation, but now we are." That's great. But I just want you to know where we are headed.

Today, we're going to talk about marriage one more time, and the hope is that today will be a very practical Sunday for you. I like to refer to marriage like a fire. So, if you are married, I want you to picture a fire, not in a fireplace, but in a fire pit outdoors. I want you to picture… What does the fire of your marriage look like right now?

The fire of your marriage might be raging right now. It might be in a really good place where you look, and you're like, "Man, that is a healthy fire." It has been stoked well. It's providing a lot of warmth. It's something you want to be around. It's in a healthy place. Some of you might say, "You know what? When I picture the fire of our marriage, at least right now, it feels like it has dwindled from where it used to be. It used to be in a healthier place, but now I just want to acknowledge that it has kind of dwindled, and it needs some work."

Some of you might say, "Look. I'm looking at the fire of our marriage, and it looks like it has been put out." It's at the point where you kind of need to rake the coals just to see if any of them are still glowing. What's the status of the fire of your marriage? Then, I want you to think about this: How are you personally cultivating the fire of your marriage?

I've talked about this before. Men take different roles when they get out into the country and around a fire. I tend to be a "sit back and relax" guy around the fire. Here's what I mean by that: The fire is someone else's job. I find a place to sit, and I don't move from it. If the fire goes out, I assume we're done. When it's out, I'm out. Okay? I'm a "sit back and relax" guy. Someone else will take care of it.

Then there are the lighter fluid people, which is honestly every man, no matter what age you are. I talked about this a few months ago. When a bottle of lighter fluid gets introduced to the mix of men, a pyro gene gets awakened, and every man needs to pass the bottle to squeeze it, spray the flame, and watch it flare up. Something in you is like, "This is what I've been created for." You feel something. Some people are the lighter fluid people. You just like to see the big flare.

Then there are the cultivators. These are the Boy Scouts. These are the people who can't sit still. They disappear into the woods, and they come back dragging a tree. These are the people who put a hatchet on their belt when they get out of their car. They're like, "I don't know when I need it, but I know I will." They're the people who can't sit still. They're always looking at the fire, looking at angles, moving it around, because they want the best fire possible.

Let me just put my cards on the table. You want to be the cultivator. But which one are you right now in your marriage? Some of you are the "sit back and relax" person, where you're like, "It's my spouse's job. I've got other things to do." You're just sitting back and watching the fire of your marriage dwindle.

Others of you are the lighter fluid person, where you're kind of event to event. You kind of jump from anniversary to Father's Day or Mother's Day to one another's birthdays and maybe an occasional date night here and there. You're just kind of dousing it with a little bit here, a little bit there. You see it flare up a little. You conclude, "I guess we're in a good place," and then it dwindles until you can spray it again.

But then there are the cultivators. There are those of you who realize, "Man, a healthy marriage takes consistent, daily work." That's who we want to be. We want to be cultivators, and I want to invite you into that today, but you have to start with understanding what the state of the fire of your marriage right now is and what role you are playing.

So, I want to invite you to answer several diagnostic questions about your marriage today, which might help you cultivate your marriage. We don't want to be people who sit back and watch our marriages dwindle out. So, if you have a Bible, I want to invite you to turn with me to Song of Solomon. We were in Song of Solomon a couple of weeks ago. We're going to step back into it today. I'm just going to give you several questions. I'm hoping to get you seven diagnostic questions today. If we run out of time, it might be less than seven. We'll see.

Song of Solomon is God's instruction manual to us on finding love, making love, and maintaining love. What you need to know is there's all sorts of debate around this book in the Bible. It might be the most debated book in the Bible. People debate who wrote it. People debate who the characters are in the story. We don't have time to unpack all of the different debates around this book.

Here's what you need to know about Song of Solomon: it is a picture of God's ideal in marriage. In the story, you have a husband and a wife, and the book is basically a collection of love poems between a man and a woman. It's meant to express to us God's ideal in marriage. As we look at snapshots of these different love poems, I just want to give you diagnostic questions for you to ask yourself so you can cultivate your marriage.

1. How do you smell? That's it. How do you smell? Let me show you where I get that from. Look with me at the start of the book. It'll become very clear very quickly. Song of Solomon 1:1 says, "The Song of Songs, which is Solomon's." The woman speaks and says, "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!" The men are like, "This is going to be the best Father's Day message ever."

"For your love is better than wine; your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love you." This is how the book starts. There's no ramp-up. We don't ease into things. It just starts with the woman expressing desire for her man. It's very interesting what she says. She's talking about his love, that his love is worth savoring, it's intoxicating, and it's better than wine, but then she says, "Your anointing oils are fragrant."

What you need to understand is in the ancient Near East, they didn't have water on tap. Water had to be carried in at great distances in order for people to bathe, so people didn't take baths on a daily basis. What they would do was use different oils and perfumes to mask a man's natural scent. So, think about a teenager who believes that more deodorant is a shower replacement, not a shower enhancement. That's kind of the thought here.

Here's her point. When she says, "Your anointing oils are fragrant," she's basically saying, "You look and smell good," but then watch how she continues. She says, "Your name is oil poured out." In the ancient Near East, your name was meant to refer to your being, your character. So, she moves from this man's physical smell to the metaphorical smell of his character. Her point is "You smell good inside and out."

So, when I started by asking you "How do you smell?" I was not talking about whether you freshened up today or not; I was talking about the smell of your character. How does your character smell? Let me just tell you what you want, and I'll explain it this way. My oldest son Noah was the first grandchild on either side of our families, so when we went to our first Christmas with Noah, Kat and I rarely got to hold Noah, because one of the grandmothers was always holding him.

So, when I did take Noah in my arms, there would be these times where, when I'd pick him up, I'd get this whiff of old lady perfume. It would hit my nose instantly. When I would smell him, I'd be like, "He has clearly either been with Tata or Nana," one of his two grandmothers. When I think about that, that's what you want. When your spouse or your roommates or your kids or your coworkers or people at the gym… When people get around you, you don't want it to take long before they get a whiff of Jesus in your life.

Like, when people get around you, you want them to smell the patience of Jesus and the gentleness of Jesus. You want them to smell the peace of Jesus in your life. You want them to smell the humility of Jesus on you. You want them to smell the tact of Jesus and the grace of Jesus and the confounding forgiveness of Jesus. You want them to smell the strength of Jesus and the boldness of Jesus and the conviction of Jesus.

See, this is what happens when a man or a woman fully surrenders their life to Jesus Christ and daily wakes up and lives surrendered to the indwelling, leading, guiding, and convicting of the Spirit of God who lives inside of them. This is what happens when a man or woman wakes up and spends time with God in his Word, because in order to know God's ways, you have to know his Word.

This is what happens when a man or woman faithfully gets up and spends time listening to God through prayer and speaking to God through prayer. This is what happens when a man or woman faithfully walks in community and accountable relationships where they're known, loved, challenged, and encouraged to follow Jesus Christ. When you do that, you smell like you've been with Jesus.

See, anyone can smell like Jesus for an hour and a half on Sunday morning, but how do you smell Sunday afternoon through Saturday night? Do your spouse, your kids, your coworkers, your roommates, and your friends regularly smell that you have spent meaningful time with Jesus? Do they smell that you have clearly had proximity to Jesus?

Kat and I joke around a lot in our marriage. It's one of the greatest gifts God has given me in Kat. She is truly the funniest person I know. So we joke around a lot. One of the ways we joke around is we'll try to outdo one another or get one another, but it's playful. You're going to hear what I say, and you're going to be like, "That doesn't sound healthy." I promise you it is. We have a lot of fun.

When one of us smells because we've been exercising or outside walking or doing something, instead of just telling the other, "Hey, I think you need to freshen up," we will try to compare their smell to something. So, if I hug Kat, she might go, "Mm, onion soup," and that's her way of communicating "You smell." Or if I hug her and she has been out for a walk, I might say, "Oh, you smell like you've been rolling around wrestling with a dog outside." That's how we love one another.

What are we communicating? What we're communicating is "You might not be able to smell it, but you don't smell fragrant; you smell funky. There's something in the air right now that is not pleasing." I tell you that to say… When people get around you, you might not smell it, but what in your life might need freshening up? Is there anything in your life that is putting off an odor to the people around you?

Just think about it. Do you smell of conviction or compromise? Let me be clear what I'm talking about. When I talk about conviction, what I mean is if you are letting God's standards be your standards. When we talk about compromise, are you settling for something less than what God has expressed in his Word?

Like, what do you do when you're away from your spouse? What's your relationship with alcohol? What is your language like? What about this? Do you smell of faithfulness or flakiness? Look. If you think this message today is only to married people, it's not. If you're single, how do you smell? Do you smell faithful or flaky? Can people in your life count on you to do what you say you're going to do?

Do you smell of selfishness or sacrifice? I shared last week about 2019 in our marriage, and God opened my eyes to the sin of not seeing my wife. Even as I thought about it more this week… Do you know what was happening? What was happening was I was leading a big ministry, I was pursuing a doctorate, and I thought everything I was doing was so important.

Because I saw everything I was doing as important, I began to believe that I was more important, and because I believed I was more important, do you know what was happening in our marriage? Selfishness. See, if there's a smell issue in your life, there's a surrender issue. There's an issue where there's an aspect of your life where you are not surrendering to the conviction, to the voice, or to the leadership of the Holy Spirit in your life.

I remember talking to a guy who was sharing his story with me, and he said, "My wife lost all desire for me." He was sharing the different things that were going on in his life and the way he was operating, and he said, "My wife lost all desire for me." Here's why. He said, "Godly women are attracted to godliness." He realized there were aspects of his life that needed to be freshened up. Look. Here's where I want to be careful, especially here on Father's Day. Wives, go easy. Do not take this point and go weaponize it at lunch.

Let me encourage every person here. Don't ever weaponize this with your spouse. Your first place to start… Like, if you're sitting there right now, like, "Man, I hope he's hearing this" or "I hope she's hearing this…" No, I hope you're hearing this, because everyone has some way that they need to freshen up. Your first place to start is on your knees before God, saying, "God, would you show me what I can't see? Would you help me to smell what I can't smell? Where do I need to freshen up?"

2. Are you letting your spouse wonder? Look at Song of Solomon, chapter 2. We're just looking at snapshots today. This is the woman speaking. She says in verse 1, "I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys." Here's what's happening here. She is comparing herself to flowers that were common in the countryside, so this is what she's communicating. Her point is "I'm nothing special. There are plenty of other women just like me." This is her expressing some insecurity.

Then the guy chimes in, and he says, "As a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women." So, she says, "Look. I'm just a lily among lilies. I'm just a common flower." He says, "You're not a lily among lilies; you're a lily among thorns." He's saying, "There's no other girl like you. You're the one I want to give all my attention, time, and affection to."

In verse 3, she responds to him. "As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men." She's returning the favor. Do you see this? They are verbally communicating and expressing their love and care for one another. You see this play out through the book. There are two times in the book of Song of Solomon where the readers are let into the bedroom of the man and woman. It's very intimate.

The first time is in chapter 4, which is most likely their wedding night, but the second time is in chapter 7, which is most likely a long way into their marriage. So, even in the bedroom of a couple that has been married for a long time, listen to what the man expresses to the woman. He says, "How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights!" Look at her response in verse 10. Look at how secure she is. She says, "I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me."

What we see in the book of Song of Solomon is that the man leaves no room in the woman's mind to wonder how he truly feels about her. That's God's ideal. God is showing us that in marriage you don't ever leave your spouse to wonder, because here's the assumption: if your spouse has to wonder, they will wander into insecurity.

Now, I think about our tendency to stereotype women as feelers and men as robots. We stereotype women as the ones who are feelers and the ones who tend toward insecurity, so they're the ones who need the affirmation, whereas guys are robots. They haven't felt since 1998, so they don't ever struggle with insecurity. I would just say I don't buy any of that. I don't care how confident of a man you think you are or try to convince the world that you are. I think every single person wants to know something from their spouse.

For you it might be "Am I desirable?" For others it might be "Do you respect me?" or "Do you see and appreciate me?" or "Do you actually enjoy being with me?" or "Are you proud that I am actually yours?" or "Am I enough for you?" I think every spouse wants to know something from their spouse. So, here's a good rule of thumb: if there is a lack of intentionality on your part, there is probably some insecurity on their part.

Here's my challenge: never assume your spouse knows. Let me just share with you some phrases that could go a long way in your marriage. I'd encourage you to write these down. I'm not going to put them on the screen, but I want you to listen. If one really sticks out to you that you need to communicate to your spouse, you should totally do that. You have to use your words, people.

Here are some phrases that could go a long way in your marriage: "I love you so much." Don't assume they know that. Say it. Just say it. Every day, say it. How about this? "I am so lucky to be married to you." Can you imagine how that lands after 20 years, 30 years, or 40 years of marriage? "I'm so lucky to be married to you."

What about this? "I am so thankful for all you do for our family. You work really hard for us." How about this? "I love how intentional you are in our marriage and with our kids." Here's another one: "When we're with others, I'm proud that you are my spouse." Can you imagine how that lands on your spouse?

What about this? "After 30 years of marriage, I'm still so attracted to you. You look beautiful. You look so good." How about this? "You are the funniest person I know. You are the most selfless person I know. You are the kindest person I know. You're the most thoughtful person I know. You're the most generous person I know." Don't assume they know.

What about this? "Your superpower is that you [fill in the blank]." I told you last week that's what I've done with Kat. "Your superpower is that you [fill in the blank]." What if you just said, "I enjoy being with you so much," or after you go on a date, "I really enjoyed just being with you tonight." What about this when you're away from each other? This happened a few weeks ago.

Kat and our son Noah were on a trip together. They were out of town. When Kat and I would talk at night, she would say, "I miss you. I wish you were here," and that hit me. I was like, "Really?" She didn't have to say that. She was with our son. She was loving being with our son, yet just that communication… "I miss you. I wish you were here with me." It was so meaningful.

Do you know where marriages really struggle? It's when people fixate on their spouse's weaknesses to the point that they can't see their strengths. So, let me encourage you to ask the Holy Spirit to show you what your spouse needs to hear from you. Ask him, "What does my spouse need to hear from me?"

God has established a standard for us. He never leaves us to wonder how he feels about us. Just think about it. Jesus says, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love." First John 3:1: "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." Romans 8:1: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Isn't it interesting? God has gone out of his way… He actually left heaven, took on flesh in the person of Jesus Christ, and laid down his life to communicate how he feels about us, yet we still struggle with insecurity in our relationship with God. We still try to earn his love as if he hasn't already told us "You can't."

So, if we can struggle in our insecurity when God has laid down his life to show us his love, we just have to remember, if you leave your spouse to wonder, they will probably wander into insecurity. Let me just say this. If you're in a dating relationship or if you're single and you get into a dating relationship, don't play games with each other. Communicate. Don't leave each other to wonder.

3. Does your marriage feel more like summer, spring, or winter? Look down now at chapter 2, verses 10-13. The guy is inviting his girl to go on a walk with him. "My beloved speaks and says to me: 'Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away, for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.'"

This guy is inviting the girl to go on a walk with him, and the language that is used is language describing spring. If you think about spring, springtime is the time where everything is in bloom. It's where there are all signs of life. Spring outside is just a metaphor for spring inside of their relationship. It's a communication that their relationship feels like spring right now.

It's good for you to understand that in marriage, your marriage will go through different seasons. Sometimes your marriage will feel like spring where everything is in bloom. Not everything is perfect, but it feels like there's a lot of life. Things aren't that difficult. Things just work. You're synced up with your spouse.

Then there are other times where your marriage is going to feel a little bit like summer. It takes work. There's sweat. It's tiring, but it's working because, by the empowerment of the Spirit, he is causing you to work in a way that allows your marriage to work. What you really want to be careful of is when your marriage begins to feel like winter. Winter is that time when everything goes dormant, where things die and there are very few signs of life.

This is a moment where I want you to answer in your head right now. What's your answer? Does your marriage feel more like summer, spring, or winter? If it feels like winter right now, don't just cross your fingers and wait, thinking, "Well, we naturally move from winter to spring in life." That's not how it works in marriage. You can stay in winter for a long time. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of strength.

Before we move on, let me just say this. If you're in a dating relationship right now that feels like winter, I promise you that marriage won't magically turn it to spring. It won't. Marriage doesn't solve the problems you find in dating; it actually amplifies them.

4. What are the foxes in your marriage? Listen to what the girl says in verse 15. Imagine, they're on a walk, and they see a vineyard, and she says, "Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom." What she's saying is "Hey, we have a good thing going right now. There's a lot of life in our marriage, yet, if we're not careful, there are things that will seek to destroy the health of our marriage."

So, it's just good for you to identify…What are the foxes right now in your marriage? Let me ask it this way: What is the thing in your marriage that, if left unchecked, would put your marriage in crisis? What's the thing? Just identify it in your mind. You might even write it down right now. Is it finances? Is it busyness, that you guys are consistently like ships passing in the night?

Is it bad work boundaries? Is it your phones? Is it playing on different teams in parenting? Is it differing desires or needs when it comes to physical intimacy? Is it cracks in your character? Is it unspoken expectations that consistently go unfulfilled? Is it your need to control every aspect of your marriage? Or is it just an unwillingness to accept the ways that you're different?

The girl says to the guy, "Catch the foxes." You have to catch the foxes in your marriage. It means that action has to be taken. Don't just keep pressing through. That would be like working out when something is really hurting, and you just push through it, thinking it will go away. At some point, a minor issue becomes a major issue.

Let me encourage you to catch the foxes. Men, I'm especially looking at you. Men, don't be that guy who will spend hours strategically working the kinks out of your 5-year-old's batting swing but won't strategically work out the kinks from your marriage. You don't want to be that guy. So catch the foxes.

If there's a lack of intimacy and surrender to the Lord, that's the fox. That's the greatest fox that can destroy the vineyard of your marriage. The greatest gift you can give to your spouse is an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. That's the best thing you can do. A friend of mine used to say, "If I miss one day with the Lord, God knows about it. If I miss two days with the Lord, my wife knows about it. If I miss three days with the Lord, the whole world knows about it."

The point is it doesn't take long being disconnected from the Lord for it to begin to affect your marriage and, honestly, everyone around you. So just evaluate. Are you sliding spiritually right now? If you are, don't just expect things to turn a corner. You have to make a decision. You have to ask God, "God, would you restore to me the joy of my salvation?"

If busyness is your thing, let me encourage you. Don't blame your kids for your busyness. People are like, "Well, Johnny has, like, 10 games this weekend, and our four kids are each playing two sports each." Look. Y'all are driving the bus. Your kids are just along for the ride. So start saying it right. "We have decided to let our four kids each play two sports." Take ownership. That was your decision, not your kids'. Your kids are just along for the ride. You're driving the bus. If it's too busy, you're the one who gets to stop the bus.

Bad work boundaries? Stop saying it's just for a season if you can't name a day when things will be different. That's not a season; that's a new normal. If you need to control your spouse, it's good for you to discern how you are doing surrendering control of your life to God, because if you need to control your spouse, my guess is that you are not allowing Christ to control you. He is in control. Don't hear my theology out of whack. He's always in control, but you're just living under the illusion that you, in the end, are at the center of your world.

Then, let me just say this. You have to get to a point where you can accept the ways you are different. Stop expecting someone to be who they aren't. Stop expecting them to be you. To do that is to reject the way God designed them. If you're type A and you married a type B person, to expect them to be type A, to get frustrated with them when they aren't type A, is to reject God's type B design of them. Accept the ways you are different.

And if you're single right now, this applies to you. What are the areas of your life that are out of whack? What habits are you establishing now that, if you ever step into marriage one day, you're going to have to unwind?

5. Has routine led to rut? Look really quickly at chapter 7. This is one of those times where the couple is in the bedroom. It's very descriptive. Watch what it says in verses 1-5. This is the guy talking. "How beautiful are your feet in sandals…" Of course he mentions her shoes. "…O noble daughter! Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand. Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine." Guys, don't use this next line. "Your belly is a heap of wheat, encircled with lilies." That's not going to translate in our culture, I assure you.

Verse 3: "Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are pools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bath-rabbim. Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon…" Don't try that one either. "…which looks toward Damascus. Your head crowns you like Carmel, and your flowing locks are like purple; a king is held captive in the tresses."

Here's what I want to point out to you. In chapter 7, he starts at her feet and works his way all the way up to the top of her head. If you were to go and read chapter 4, which is the other time they're in the bedroom, he actually starts at her head and works his way down her body. Do you know what it shows? It shows that years into marriage, they're spicing things up. Things have changed, and he's still finding new ways to admire his bride. They're not in a sexual rut. They're changing things up.

I'm not just talking about sex right now; I'm just talking about in your marriage. Do you want to know why fire dwindles in marriages? It's because sometimes we slip into routines that lead to ruts. Routines can be a good thing for marriage. To be in a routine where you guys go on dates together or a routine where you pray together or a routine where you get away together at least once a year… Those three routines can go a long way in your marriage, but be careful of the rut of just sitting in front of the TV every night with no meaningful interaction or lying next to each other in bed on your phones.

Routines are nice because they don't take any effort. You don't have to plan or get creative. You know what to expect. But don't miss the fact that routines often lead to ruts. I think a lot of people have affairs because it breaks the routine. It feels like rescue from a rut. I just want to encourage you this week. Break your routine, whatever it is.

Take a walk together one night this week, and pray on that walk. Get caught up on that walk. Take a night where there are no screens that night. You just have to be together. Figure it out. Research great date night questions and fill the table with conversation. Think about something you enjoyed doing when you were dating but haven't done in a long time. For us, we used to love going to concerts. We haven't gone in a long time, so we need to do that soon. What is it for you?

Let me just speak to the men really quickly. Look, men. Our tendency is to start out as cultivators when we're dating. We give the girl all of our best material, and then when she says "Yes" to us at the altar, we move from cultivator to conqueror. It's like, "Okay, good. Now you're stuck. I hope you enjoyed it," and we become dull, apathetic, and boring. A cultivator is a man who becomes a Boy Scout in marriage. You become the guy who can't sit still to watch the fire dwindle.

6. Will you choose to love? Remember what we established in Song of Solomon 8:6-7 two weeks ago. If you weren't here to hear that message, I encourage you to go back and listen to it. She says, "Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised."

Remember what we established as biblical love in marriage. It's a love that is irreversible. It's until death. It's exclusive. It doesn't get shared outside of the marriage. It's unquenchable. Even the storms of life can't put it out. It's unconditional. It's not something you can buy or sell. It's not something you can earn or lose. Freely give it. Freely receive it.

Let me just ask you to evaluate. Is this how you're living? Are you living like you stood at the altar and said, "I promise to love you until death as long as I'm happy. I promise to love you until death as long as I feel in love. I promise to love you until death as long as you meet my needs sexually or as long as you remain attractive or as long as we get along well together, as long as it still works, or as long as you don't hurt me royally." Some of you might need to go back and watch your wedding video to see what you actually said to the other person in front of God. Will you choose to love?

7. Are you experiencing an even greater love? Here's what I want you to know. The best way to love an imperfect person… Because you're married to a very imperfect person. Don't say "Amen" right now, but you are. You're married to a very imperfect person. And guess what? Your spouse is married to a very imperfect person. The best way to love an imperfect person is to be loved as an imperfect person. The best way to love an imperfect person is to experience being loved as an imperfect person.

I'm not talking about the love your spouse has for you; I'm talking about the love Jesus Christ has for you. If you're here this morning, and you don't know what I'm talking about when I'm talking about a relationship with Jesus Christ, what I'm talking about is the fact that Jesus Christ is the ultimate cultivator. The God of the universe wants to have a very real and meaningful fire of a relationship with you.

Jesus is the ultimate cultivator. He is the one who left heaven and came to earth, and it was his perfect character that allowed him to be a suitable sacrifice for you and me on the cross. See, because we were imperfect, we needed a perfect substitute. Jesus is the only one whose character smelled pure, making him suitable to go to the cross for you and me. Jesus Christ came to catch the foxes of sin in our lives. Sin came to destroy all of our relationships with God, yet Jesus Christ came, and he has rooted out the foxes of sin.

When you put your trust in Jesus Christ, God removes your heart that has been eaten up by the foxes of sin and gives you a new heart and a new start. You need to know God wants a springlike relationship with you, not just one day in eternity but right now. Jesus Christ came to live with you now. The Spirit of the living God lives inside of you right now to lead you, to comfort you, to convict you, and to speak to you. There is never a day of your life that you have to spend on your own.

Jesus Christ never leaves us to wonder how he feels about us. Jesus Christ lived for us, he died for us, he rose for us, he comes and makes his home in us, he leads us, he cares for us, he sanctifies us, and then he calls us home to be with him forever. Nothing can separate us from his love. Do you know him? If you don't know him, that's where you start. You take your first step with Jesus. If you do know him, keep taking next steps with Jesus, and as you experience his love, you can express it to your spouse.

I want us to end like we did last week. If you're here with your spouse today, I want to invite you to hold hands. If you can't hold hands right now, that's a great indication you need to take a step, whether it's checking out re|engage together this week or just opening up to community in terms of what's going on in your marriage right now. I just want to pray for the marriages in this room and ask God to have his way, that we would truly be not "sit back and relax" people, not "lighter fluid" people, but cultivators.

Lord, I pray that that would be true, that the men and women in this room who are married would seek to cultivate their marriages to the glory of God. Thank you that that isn't something we have to do on our own. Lord Jesus, you made a way for us into God's family, and you've actually given us your Spirit, and you, Holy Spirit, are committed to making us more and more like Jesus. So, I pray that in our marriages we would reflect Christ's love for his church.

Lord, I pray for the marriages in this room that are really struggling right now. I pray for hope and healing. I pray for the marriages where it feels like the fire has all but gone out. God, I pray that you would birth a few embers that you would cultivate back into a fire. Lord, for the fires that are dwindling, I pray that action would be taken. For the fires that are really healthy right now, Lord, I pray that people would continue to cultivate them.

Lord, I pray for the single men and women in this room. For those who will get married one day, I pray that the truth we're hearing today would save their marriage before it ever begins. Lord, I pray for all of us, whether single or married. Would you cultivate our character? May we look and smell more and more like Jesus, and may we all experience a greater love. The ultimate love in life is not between a man and woman in marriage; it's only found with our Savior Jesus. So we need you. We love you. We pray that you would have your way. In Jesus' name, amen.