“I grew up in Tennessee with two loving parents and the youngest of two incredible big brothers. My dad was the lead pastor of our church, and my parents taught us about Jesus from an early age. I remember giving my life to Jesus around the age of four, and I was baptized a few years later.
“For the most part, my childhood was normal. I was loved well by my parents, brothers, and church community. I loved God, and I wanted to follow and know Him. My faith was easy, and life was easy. I have also adored my brothers for as long as I can remember. They wanted nothing more than to keep me safe, and I wanted nothing more than to be like them.
“When I went off to college, I was excited and ready to spread my wings and meet new people. But one of my brothers, Robbie, started struggling with his mental health. My parents did everything to try to help him between counseling, medications, and outpatient programs. Eventually, he moved to Dallas, while we still lived in Tennessee, to attend a three-week outpatient program. Right before the program ended, we received a call that he had taken his own life. My world shattered completely. I was angry, confused, and felt abandoned and alone. What I had feared the most became reality.
“I was mad at God for He knew this was my biggest fear. I told him not to touch my brothers, so I felt targeted by God. I thought I couldn’t wrestle with these emotions, so I suppressed them—claiming Romans 8:28, which says, ‘And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.’ I used this verse to mask my feelings and to tell myself God is good—even though I was broken inside. I denied myself the ability to feel pain and anger, and I began to live a life focused on pleasing others to pretend that everything was okay.
“During the rest of my college years, I lived a double life of partying on the weekends and being the good Christian girl on Sundays. It was a few years later, when I decided to get involved in a different church. I found a group of women there who, for the first time, I felt I could really be vulnerable and honest with about my emotions. They didn’t expect me to be fine even years after his loss. This gave me permission to grieve and not pretend anymore.
“After college, my other brother and I decided to move to Dallas. I believe it was a providential move and a way for God to redeem the sorrow that happened here. Dallas was associated only with the death of our brother Robbie, but it became the place where we both met our spouses and had children.
“My husband and I got married, and we experienced three years of painful infertility. When we finally got pregnant, we learned only a few weeks later that we lost the baby. I was devastated. Grief was once again shattering my life. I was angry at God again, fearful He would never allow my dreams of motherhood to become reality.
“This is when I started to wrestle with God and started breaking down a lot of the lies I was beginning to believe. I believed that God was good to others and gave others good gifts, but He only gave me pain and sorrow. I started writing down what I believed and comparing them to Scripture. This helped me recognize the lies and remind myself of the truth. Matthew 7:11 says, ‘If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those.’ As I combated each lie with truth from God’s Word, I began to believe and trust God in a new way.
“I then learned about Grief Recovery, a ministry at Watermark for people who’ve experienced the loss of a loved one. I felt called to start serving in this ministry because of my personal experience with grief. I was only 19 years old when I lost my brother, and I struggled immensely with feeling alone. I knew very few people who had experienced grief at a young age. It was isolating and difficult to navigate the crashing waves of grief alone. I felt I couldn’t express the emotions of grief and be a ‘good’ Christian. Because of this, I felt called to walk alongside the grieving to comfort them and provide a space for the tough emotions of grief.
“I can vividly remember so many days crying out to God, wondering why He would allow such pain and my worst fears to become reality. As I look back, I see His hand in all of it. God has redeemed the pain and sorrow. Today, I am grateful for my story. The goodness of God and the gifts I longed for came in packages I never expected.”
Grief Recovery is an 11-week program for adults over 18 who are dealing with the death of a loved one to find healing and comfort. The upcoming session begins on September 5.
Shiloh is a ministry for women and men who have experienced infertility and miscarriage to find hope, healing, and support. Support groups and Bible studies for women and men begin in September.