“Almost every weekend growing up was spent traveling for competitive sports—volleyball for me, soccer for my sisters. Because that’s where most of our time went, we rarely attended church. I didn’t grow up in an environment that prioritized faith, and that left me with a fragmented understanding of the gospel. I knew pieces of who Jesus was, but I didn’t know I could have a relationship with him.
“Even so, I always had a genuine desire to be good. I cared about treating people kindly and doing well in school and sports. In my own eyes, it made sense that God would love me. I was doing all the right things, right? I didn’t really see myself as someone in need of grace.
“Everything changed when a friend invited me to a youth group gathering in high school. For the first time, the gospel was clearly communicated to me. I heard that I was loved not because of what I did, but because I was created by the Lord. It felt like a weight lifted. I remember thinking, ‘This is the best news! We don’t have to perform for His love!’ I couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard this before. Salvation was free—I just had to acknowledge that I’m a sinner and trust that Jesus is Lord.
“That season was sweet and full of joy. But following Jesus didn’t mean life suddenly got easier.
“My transition to college was incredibly difficult. Everything felt shaken, and I started struggling with depression and anxiety in ways I’d never experienced. I didn’t recognize myself. Getting out of bed was a battle. Even the simplest tasks felt overwhelming. I was confused, afraid, and burdened by a constant sense of guilt and panic. I kept thinking, ‘How can I call myself a Christian and feel this way?’
“I prayed again and again for God to take away the heaviness, but he didn’t. Doubt crept in. ‘If God isn’t taking this away, is he really good? Does he love me? Am I even saved? Is he even real?’
“With guidance and prayer, the Lord used the community around me, Christian counseling, and anxiety medicine to help lift the fog I felt like I was under. At first, I was apprehensive about taking medicine; I was fearful I'd begin relying on it instead of God. It was helpful to learn that while medication can help me, it can't create in me a love for God's Word or lasting heart change. That's the work of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).
“Years later, I still found myself questioning my salvation. I knew the truth,—'if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)’—but I obsessively doubted and wondered if that were true for me. These questions riddled my days.
“Through continued counseling, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). That moment was clarifying, but it also brought a lot of pain. I was bitter towards God. ‘Why would God allow this?’ My view of him became distorted by my frustration, and he didn’t feel trustworthy.
“Not long after my diagnosis, I was at a worship night when the leader shared that she, too, had been diagnosed with OCD and depression. She said, ‘If you’re singing these songs and they don’t feel real right now, that’s okay. I’m there too. But I’m choosing to trust God and praise him because he is worthy—even when I don’t feel it.’ Hearing that gave me hope. If God could use her in her weakness, maybe he could use mine too.
“During that same season, God’s Word began to comfort me in new ways. Isaiah 42:3 says, ‘A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.’ That image impacted me. When I felt like a bruised reed, weak and without purpose, I imagined Jesus lifting me up and restoring me with tenderness. I was reminded that this is his true character—the way he meets me in my humanity. When I felt faithless, he remained faithful.
“The past five years have felt like a slow, unexpected gift of growth. I wouldn’t have chosen this road, but God has used it to teach me how to walk with him in the midst of doubt. I’m learning to lean on his Word and the tools he’s provided—counseling, community, medicine—and to walk faithfully, even when my emotions and thoughts don’t align with truth. Though not yet complete, I’ve experienced healing and seasons of deep connection with the Lord that I wouldn’t have thought possible three years ago.
“When OCD and anxiety feel overwhelming, I ask the Lord to help me trust him. I hold on to the hope that there will come a day when I no longer have to fight to believe. A day when I won’t wonder or wrestle but will see him face to face. And I’ll finally get to enjoy him fully, forever.”