Content Note: This personal testimony references a struggle with cross-dressing. We’re sharing this note so parents can decide what’s appropriate for their family.
I grew up in a Christian home, knowing Jesus loved me, but I didn’t think he liked me.
My parents loved the Lord and raised my brother and me to know him. I hated being in trouble growing up, so I tried my best to be the good kid who followed the rules to maintain peace with those around me. This applied to all my relationships, including my relationship with God. I thought it was a relationship I had to manage, so I felt pressure to perform, doing whatever I could to feel like I had peace with God.
As an early teenager, I realized following Jesus wasn’t about what I could do but what Jesus had done. I had felt such a burden to do the right things to save myself—I even got baptized three times—but that burden was not mine to bear. Jesus was perfect because he was God; he did all the right things for me and took that burden on himself to save me. I don’t have to perform for Jesus to save me, and there is nothing I could do to earn his love. I just have to submit to him, and his burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30).
Even after that, I wasn’t truly confident in the new identity Christ had offered me. I started to believe lies that I could find satisfaction outside of God. This led to confusion and anxiety.
In high school, I was teased for not watching pornography, and that was the beginning of my years-long battle with porn. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but my desire to fit in and belief that I was missing out were greater than my desire to do what was right.
In college, I got involved in a church and confessed my sins of pornography and masturbation to trusted believers around me, but I wasn’t fully honest.
There was another struggle I kept to myself—confusion about my gender identity. I started to think there was something wrong with the way God designed me. My desires fluctuated between wanting to be more feminine and more masculine, and I began cross-dressing in private.
I felt like a wave tossed by the sea, constantly changing with no clear answers to who I was. I was embarrassed and felt alone with no one to relate to, so I didn’t talk about it and carried a lot of fear about being found out.
Eventually, I opened up to some friends to seek acceptance and “permission” from them. I knew deep down that what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted people to tell me that it was okay. Their affirmation didn’t ease the conviction I felt. There was still something missing.
As I wrestled with doubts, trusted followers of Jesus in my life suggested I go to Re:generation, Watermark’s 12-step recovery and discipleship program. As I started, I saw ‘gender dysphoria’ on the list of struggles participants may have. Until this point, I thought I was the only Christian man I knew who struggled in this way. I was petrified at the thought of sharing that with a group of guys I had never met.
I dreaded every Monday night, but God met me there. The anxiety I had about confessing turned to peace as I opened up to my group.
Through Re:gen, I recognized that I had trusted Jesus as Savior, but I was not submitting to his authority as Lord. When I confessed hidden sin, it was like bringing things from darkness to light, and God showed me true freedom.
Following Jesus isn’t about behavior modification; it’s about surrendering to his plans and cultivating an abiding relationship with him. I realized I could never have peace with God outside of what Jesus did (Romans 5:1). It’s only because of his death and resurrection that we’re made new and can be free.
I still struggle believing I can manage my sin on my own, but God reminds me that being saved from my sin isn’t just a one-time thing. Following Jesus is a life of being transformed as God renews your mind, and being saved from your sin as the Holy Spirit enables you to put your desires to death. (Romans 12:2; 8:13-14).
When I tried to define my own identity, I was unstable, insecure, and anxious. But when I surrendered to live how God designed me and let him define my identity, I am finally secure, confident, and free.
No matter how I tried to hide, God was faithful to pursue me. He sent friends and family to speak truth into my life, gave me a desire to seek him, and convicted me that my sin was not just wrong but leading to death. Now, I have confidence that my identity is not in what I do or what I feel but in what Jesus did for me, and I walk in freedom knowing God rejoices over me with gladness and calls me his beloved son (Zephaniah 3:17).
Feeling stuck and hopeless? Re:generation is a weekly ministry where men and women are finding freedom and healing through Christ through a biblical process of recovery. Join us on Mondays at 6:30 PM.