About three years into their marriage, Doug and Dyann Kierstead felt stuck. They were doing all the “right” things but weren’t experiencing the true joy and love that is possible in a marriage that is fully surrendered to Christ. With the help of re|engage, Doug and Dyann were reminded of the truth of the gospel and the Lord’s redeeming power. In this week’s Watermark News, the Kierstead family reflects on the Lord’s work in their lives and marriage.
Dyann: “I grew up in a broken immigrant household where love was shown in unconventional ways. I had a deep desire to be known and loved. I carried resentment and bitterness when I looked around me. It felt like everyone’s life and childhood was so much easier than mine. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom rarely showed me the affection I desired. My older brother Stephen acted as my dad, mom, and brother.”
“During college, Stephen passed away suddenly, and through a series of events, I heard the gospel for the first time clearly - that I didn’t have to do anything to earn God’s love, that He had already chosen me, and all I had to do was believe that the grace of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was enough. In 2012, I surrendered my life to Christ, and while I believed that He was my Lord and Savior, I still held on to parts of my past; I didn’t know how to surrender, and that struggle carried into our marriage years later.”
Doug: “My parents divorced during my elementary school years, and the roller-coaster atmosphere at home led me to seek attention through achievements and people-pleasing. Despite regularly attending church, Scripture and meaningful discussions about God or Jesus were scarce, resulting in my checkbox approach to faith, much like my approach to sports, schoolwork, and relationships. I struggled with ideas about Christians like hypocrisy, fear about heaven and hell, and unclear truths that led me to believe that I needed to earn my way to heaven.
“After college, I heard 2 Timothy 4:7 from a friend's dad, who had a terminal illness with only a few months left to live. It says, ‘I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.’ Something about his assurance of his salvation felt different, and I knew deep down that I had been going about this faith thing all wrong and knew there was more.
“This newfound belief felt real, but I still struggled with God being Lord over my life, and this played out in various ways in our marriage.”
Dyann: “We’d gone through Watermark’s pre-marriage classes, were in a community group, were both serving on Watermark’s staff and in different ways around the church, but still, we were stuck. Less than three years into our marriage, we went to re|engage, one of Watermark’s marriage ministries, feeling hopeless and looking for help.”
Doug: “From the outside, it looked like we had it all together, but the reality was that we were struggling in what felt like ‘basic’ areas in our marriage. If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to go to re|engage. I didn’t think I was the problem. I used the word divorce in a heated argument when talking about our relationship, and I was exhausted, feeling like I could do nothing right. I had done everything I knew to do to ‘fix’ our marriage.
“But one evening, in our small group, the leaders talked about ‘drawing the circle around yourself,’ meaning focusing on what is going on with yourself before looking to fix your partner.
“As we learned to draw circles around ourselves, we started to experience forgiveness from each other the way that it was intended. We were growing closer together, taking steps forward, and surrendering our marriage to the Lord.”
Dyann: “1 Corinthians 13 talks about God's love and how ‘it does not insist on its own way’ and ‘believes all things.’ I deeply desired to be fully known and loved by Doug, and as we broke down the kind of love God's word described, I knew my definition of love needed to change. Love doesn’t seek to be resentful; it offers grace. Love doesn’t have to win; it humbly admits failures. Love serves joyfully and endures hardship. Love means thinking the best.
“With the tools we learned in re|engage, God changed the trajectory of our marriage. We now know that love is sacrificial, and that means often prioritizing someone else's needs over your own. Every day, we are reminded that we are not in control. We don’t have this thing figured out. But God does.”
Doug: “Early in our faith and marriage, Dyann and I struggled with faithful obedience and consistently missed opportunities to live out the gospel to one another. We are thankful that God didn’t let us stay in a broken marriage but used people around us to redeem our marriage.
"Whatever life stage you are in, don't miss out on the good news that is right in front of you, and that Paul writes about in Galatians 2:20, ‘I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself.’”
re|engage is a safe place for married couples to be intentional with each other and their relationships with Christ and gain tools to help their marriage thrive. Join us weekly on Wednesdays at 6:30 PM. Learn more.