Maybe There is Forgiveness
Abortion is part of my story, and only by the mercy and grace of God have I found peace and forgiveness!
I was in college when I took part in 2 abortions. At the time, I was in a relationship in which we were having premarital sex. When I found out about the pregnancies, the only option I contemplated was abortion, because, at the time, the thought of having a child frightened me! Thoughts of how inconvenient it would be, the shame it would bring to my family and me, uncertainty on how I would support a child, and thoughts like, “This child will ruin my future,” and “How could abortion be wrong if it’s legal?” would replay in my head over and over. There was no hesitation in my voice when the time came to have the abortions.
For the first abortion, I ended up not going with my girlfriend, which gave me relief at the time; however, for the second abortion, I did go, and the experience had a huge impact on me. To this day I don’t remember many details, but what I do remember is how I felt after the abortion. We were driving home, and I distinctly remember a feeling of deep sorrow wash over me. It was as though a cloud of darkness engulfed me. I had never felt so alone, angry, and depressed. In that moment, I understood what true hatred was. Hate that was self-directed and would weave destruction in my life for the next 18 years. After the two abortions, I suffered from depression, anger, continuous thoughts of suicide, and I ended up destroying everything good in my life.
Looking back on it now, I realize that I was in a place of abysmal darkness, because how else can you justify the decision of taking an innocent life, over the feelings of shame and being “inconvenienced”. But God, in His goodness, delivered me from the darkness and brought me into the light.
John 12:46 Jesus said “I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.”
My journey to Christ began 2 years ago when he introduced me to Watermark. My first experience at Watermark was one of true authenticity. That Sunday, JP (Jonathan Pokluda) delivered the sermon and admitted something I had never heard another pastor admit - that he was a sinner and had an addiction to pornography. I was thrown back in my chair thinking, “What??? I mean what pastor says that?!” His authenticity was something I had never heard from any one before.
After hearing that for the first time, I thought maybe there was forgiveness and hope for what I had done. That day, God put a new song in my heart.
Psalms, 40:2-3 Says: He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
God used that sermon and a few other bumps to motivate me to go to re:generation, Watermark’s recovery ministry, and Forgotten Fathers, the post abortion ministry for men. These ministries renewed and transformed my mind, body, and heart. In re:gen God taught me about Jesus’ atonement for all my sins, forgiveness, and to trust in him fully. Yet, like a bad dream, I could not shake the guilt of the abortions.
My turning point was during Forgotten Fathers, which I went through both in 2017 and again in 2018. The reading, study, prayer, meditation and discussion with the group lead me to dig deeper than I had ever dug, cry more than I had ever cried, and at the end I found true forgiveness for the abortions, fully embracing Jesus Christ’s sacrifice for me. God graciously brought healing to a father’s heart after 18 years.
1 Peter 1:2-5 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
My sins, especially the sin of ending the lives of my two children, Laddin and Lilly, is redeemed by God. He continues to show me there are no limits to His goodness, mercy, and joy, which I now experience through a relationship with Him. This is the very joy I once thought only existed in movies and fairy tales. God continues to show me grace and love by giving me the opportunity to serve in the Forgotten Fathers ministry. Through Forgotten Fathers, this beggar gets the opportunity to serve in God’s mission and lead other beggars to healing and the bread of life.