“I didn’t understand why God would do such a thing,” said Jennifer Kirk. “I thought things like, ‘Why would God do this if I didn’t rebel? I didn’t do anything to deserve this. God doesn’t know what it’s like to lose a child.’
“In tenth grade, I discovered the Lord at a church small group, and for the first time, I really opened and read the Bible. It was the first time I related the Bible to my life and realized it was alive and relevant. Throughout the rest of high school, I slowly learned more about the Lord.
“I didn’t know a ton of the Bible, but I started to read more when I studied abroad in college. I read Psalm 139 – and from there, I took a hold of my faith as my own. I was learning more about Christ and His love for us and wanted to fully dedicate my life to Christ. I started doing international missions across the world.
“While my husband and I were living as missionaries in Bolivia, we decided to try to have a baby. In a two-year process of trying to get pregnant, we lost two babies. It was devastating. Nothing really tragic or very hard had happened in my life up to this point. It felt like I was coasting through life until I experienced these two miscarriages with my husband.
“I felt so broken. I knew the gospel and understood it, but during that time, I was really angry with the Lord. We wanted and prayed for a baby but kept experiencing loss. I didn’t understand why God would do such a thing. In my doubts and mistrust, I thought things like, ‘Why would God do this if I didn’t rebel? I didn’t do anything to deserve this. God doesn’t know what it’s like to lose a child.’
“When we moved back to the US after losing our second child, I started to going Shiloh, Watermark’s ministry for women and couples who are experiencing infertility or miscarriage. In the study, they discuss the death and resurrection of Jesus. I was sitting at work, reading the Bible, and realized God lost and sacrificed His son. I realized I completely forgot what He had done and that He does understand losing a child. He weeps with us (John 11:33-35). He mourns with us. He knows our pain. He knew my pain.
“Once I recognized God’s compassion and empathy for His people, my eyes were open to His blessings and goodness. I was reminded that Jesus will never leave me, and he hurts right next to me. Even though Christ knows what good is coming ahead, He still sits in your sadness with you.
“I serve with students at Watermark Plano and one day they asked me to speak about my experience. I talked about the peace and grace God has shown me through our struggles and hardships – completely delighting in His faithfulness. The very next day I experienced my third miscarriage. In a time that would’ve been incredibly devastating, I truly had a peace that surpassed all understanding; It felt so incredible. I had a miraculous feeling of hope and joy. There was sadness, but it did not take a hold of us. I felt true freedom knowing that God is in control and He is still good. It was a clear reminder that God had been strengthening my heart and my dependence on Him in a very difficult season of my life.
“A month after that speaking engagement, I became pregnant with our son. He is named Samuel because Hannah in the Bible would pray and cry out to God for a son, whom she eventually named Samuel. He is our answered prayer! After everything we’d experienced, God just continued – and continues – to bless us.
“Samuel is such a gift to my family, and I often feel overwhelmed that the Lord chose me to be his mom. I still struggle with the thought that I could lose him, but I try to remember God’s faithfulness and goodness. I continually remind myself to live in God’s goodness and not in my fear, and I pray daily that Samuel will be a reflection of Christ every day of his life.”
“Before I trusted Christ with my life, I was a prideful, selfish perfectionist. I thought I was so much better than everyone else, and I thought I deserved good things in life because of my good works. I didn’t think God could understand the pain I felt through tragedy and loss. After understanding who God is and learning His heart and character, I realized that’s not the truth. God knows our grief and pain firsthand, and the best I strive to be is never going to be good enough. Nothing I do can earn His grace or blessing. Jesus alone is the perfection, and that constantly proves true throughout my life.”
Fight isolation and find healing in Christ with other women and couples who’ve experienced infertility and miscarriage at Shiloh. watermark.org/shiloh.