The Waiting

“Our babies are a complete, undeserved blessing. God used this experience to teach me to desire Him more than I desired to be a mom.” – Sallie Dean

“I knew that Psalm 84:11 said, ‘No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. So why did it feel like He was withholding?” said Sallie Dean. “How long would we wait for a child? These are the questions I asked as my husband, Caleb, and I struggled with infertility.


“I experienced a lot of protection from God as I grew up in a Christian family in Houston. Grace, conflict resolution and forgiveness were modeled for me by my parents. I realize now how fortunate I am to have parents who love Jesus and read God’s Word.

“One of the defining moments in my walk with Christ was in college. I lived with several girls and experienced true, authentic community for the first time. My faith in Christ became my own, and community was so important as I tried to live differently from the world around me.

“Caleb and I married in 2008. Early in our relationship, we were on different pages regarding starting a family and struggled with fully trusting the Lord with that decision. I wrestled with our different points of view and how I could do best in respecting Caleb as a spiritual leader.

“I look back at my journal and see the transition from ‘should we have babies?’ to ‘we are finally on the same page,’ to ‘wait a minute, this is not happening the way it should.’ I experienced depression and anxiety early in our marriage, and that served as a catalyst in deciding to release some control over our plan to have a family.

“Our struggle with infertility was a very low season for me. After waiting so long to be on the same page, now we can’t get pregnant! What in the world? I continued to journal and pour out my heart in complete dependence on God.


“Through theWomen’s Bible Study at Watermark, I met another person who had waited for a baby. She and another friend talked to me about how to pray when God isn’t answering the way I wanted. I thought about how I was defining comfort and what it meant to wait on God’s plan.

“I sought the Lord in all of these things, and He was faithful in my waiting. I prayed for unity with Caleb. The Lord helped me by changing my prayers from ‘give me what I want’ to ‘help me be content exactly where you have me.’ I realized that God gave me this wonderful marriage, and I was only focused on the next thing. I learned how to be ‘all in’ just where I was.

“God used this time to give me a greater sensitivity to other hurting people. I started engaging with those who were quiet at things like baby showers and ended up meeting many women who were in a season of waiting for either a husband or a child.

“As I began openly sharing my story, I received notes of encouragement from friends reminding me that the Lord hears me and has my good in mind. On Mother’s Day, when it felt particularly real that I was not a mom yet, I got flowers from a friend. That was a wonderful reminder that God had not forgotten.


“In 2011 I became curious about adoption and started talking to people who had adoption as part of their story. Caleb and I went to conferences and researched the whole thing. Our community group played a huge role, asking hard questions, praying for us and walking with us through our fear of the unknown. The Lord gave us tender hearts, and we were unified and sure about adoption.

“After choosing an adoption agency, we did the paperwork and home study. The process was finished July 6, and to our surprise, we were matched with a birth mother on July 16. Six days later, we were there for the birth of our twins.

“I looked back at my journal in the weeks and months before that and noticed that on May 29, I was wavering in my trust in the Lord. As I prayed the words of Ephesians 3:20, I wanted to have faith that God could do immeasurably more than I could imagine. I kept forgetting that the Lord had my good in mind. Indeed He did, along with the good of our brave birthmother and babies. A few months later we would have twins. How cool is that?

“Our babies are a complete, undeserved blessing. God used this experience to teach me to desire Him more than I desired to be a mom. I learned I could share my dreams with the Lord and know He is trustworthy. I asked God many times how I could hope to become a mom but not be brokenhearted if it didn’t happen. I learned how to fix my eyes on Jesus rather than my present circumstances. I am so grateful that He fulfilled me during the waiting.”

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