“When I accepted Christ in sixth grade, I thought it was just part of a checklist of the right things to do. I thought I was making good choices and making my parents proud. Nothing in my life really changed with this decision.
“When I went to college in Waco, I began attending a church there, where God’s Word really changed my heart. I began to understand what it meant to have a relationship with Him. It was no longer just a checklist item but a life-changing decision.
“Before, I was a people-pleaser and cared so much about being perfect. I still am selfish and struggle with being perfect, but when I truly accepted what Christ did for me and what His Word offers, I noticed a change in my heart. From there, I learned what it was like to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord in a way that was different than my experiences growing up.
“When Tim and I were getting married a few years later, I immediately tried to convince him to move to Houston. I thought that was best – and I loved being in control. But the Lord slowly showed us that Houston was not where He wanted us to be. God was calling us to Dallas. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, and it was far from my comfort zone and my family, but we wanted to follow what God was asking of us.
“The biggest part of my story has been in the past few years. In 2019, my struggle with anxiety first started manifesting itself physically. When I first reached out to my doctor, they told me I was experiencing symptoms and signs of anxiety. I refused to believe it. I thought I didn’t struggle with anxiety. I am really good at handling things in my life. My capacity is really high. But my anxiety continued, and the panic attacks quickly followed.
“Through counseling and support from the biblical community around me, the Lord helped me acknowledge my anxiety, find the sources, and trust Him more fully. I started to feel freedom.
“We decided that we would start trying to have kids. But as the months went on, we couldn’t get pregnant. This became harder and harder for me emotionally. Between my need for control and the stress of teaching in a post-COVID world, it was the perfect storm that brought back more anxiety than I had ever had.
“I had some scary physical symptoms almost weekly, and it got to a point where I felt completely depleted. I was worn out physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I was giving so much energy and time to small groups at church, to my career, and to my marriage. I had been pouring out, but I wasn’t allowing myself to be filled by the Lord. I felt so empty.
“It was a hard decision, but I decided to take a step back from leading the small group to go through Shiloh, Watermark’s ministry for women and men who have experienced infertility and miscarriages. After conversations with my community group, I thought it would be a good way to get to know others who’ve walked the same road and who can relate.
“While I moved forward with Shiloh, the Lord reminded me that there were still many areas in my heart that I was not trusting Him with. That time was a huge point of growth for me. Through this time, The Lord allowed me to give up my need for control when I realized I couldn’t control anything. The Lord brought me to a place where I was on my knees in reliance on Him. And He gave me a lot of peace. I know we are not promised kids, but we are promised eternity with Him. I know that the Lord is good, and I have seen His faithfulness as He has carried us through the different seasons. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, ‘It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.’
“After walking through a season of infertility, I’ve seen the Lord’s hand in so many of the small details. I’ve grown in my love and trust for the Lord even more so since we welcomed our sweet baby, Tanner, in January. This little gift is such a miracle! God has given me peace and joy through delivery, sleepless nights, and the small moments of the day-to-day.
“A verse I’ve been repeating is Colossians 3:23, ‘Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.’ I know that even in the mundane moments, I’m serving the Lord by serving my son. I am filled with so much gratitude knowing God has given us this gift for us to raise in Him. I pray that we can share the heart of Jesus with Tanner by telling him of His faithfulness in our lives, modeling our faith, giving grace, and loving him with the same love that Christ loves us with.”